Hazel Culp had a choice to make: Jordan or Keith. She thought it was an easy choice. Hazel+Jordan=perfect. Hazel+Keith=something. She choose wrong. Now trying to make peace with her past, she must relive her Junior year. The year before her cold summer. Relive the moment that is haunting her. To do this she knows she must tell someone what happened that summers night. She can't tell anyone though. Not with Death whispering in her ear. Telling her what to do.
Here's chapter one: Cold Summer
Some people grumble because roses have thorns; I am thankful that the thorns have roses. ~Alphonse Karr
Chapter One: Drowning
I stand in front of the mirror trying to see if anything is wrong with me. I can't see any difference in me. I look the same as I did before that night. I run my fingers through my ginger hair and close my moss colored eyes as I feel her walk up behind me. She is me, we are the same. She is Death. I am my own Death. I am my own worst nightmare. It wasn't too long ago when I realized she was a hallucination. She places her hand on my cheek and I open my eyes. Looking in the mirror, we are twins. She kisses my cheek, letting her lips linger for a moment.
"I am so proud of you, Hazel," she says as she sits down on the toilet and inspects her nails.
I slip out of my jeans and then glance at her.
She peeks at me and then looks at her nails again saying, "That sweatshirt does not do anything for you. It's too big and you are more of a lavender color, not gray."
I rip my hoodie off and throw it at her. She catches it with ease, tosses it back at me, and I am hit with an overwhelming smell of flowers and death. She smiles sadly and sweetly. The smell of roses is stronger than ever.
"Sorry, honey. But you knew that was going to happen." I slide into the hot bath water and close my eyes.
"It's okay to remember some things, Hazel. I was there for it all." Death is right. She was there for it all. She runs her hands through my hair and I still smell roses as I remember a night where he was a good guy.
Keith Connor was my best dream and is now one of my worst nightmares. I gave just about everything up for him. My friends never understood so we slowly stopped hanging out, eventually I saw what they saw in him. A monster. He truly is a monster. I know that more than anyone. But the terrible thing is, I fell for it. The good guy thing. He told me he loved me and like a fool I believed him. So many stupid mistakes led me to where I am. I can't blame him for everything though. I stayed with him.
Death gets annoyed that I won't remember it.
"Gosh, Hazel. It is okay to think about the good times." Again I am hit by the scent of roses and this time the memory floods my mind, fog rolling in on a calm, lazy night.....
......I walk out of Keith's dad's party and sit on a bench next to blood red roses. I pick one and prick my finger on a thorn. Love is like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense.
"Shoot," I mumble and then put my finger to my lips.
"Are you alright?" I jump and look for the person who said it.
"I didn't mean to frighten you." It’s Keith. Great, just my luck.
"Oh, Keith, I didn't see you there." I duck my head.
"It's okay. Here." He takes the rose out of my hand and starts to take off the thorns. I roll my eyes.
"You can't have a rose without thorns. Didn't you know that? Everything beautiful must have a dark side."
"You," he says as he hands me the rose, "don't have a dark side." I smile darkly.
"Don't be so sure." He laughs and sits next to me.
"So, I heard about you and Jordan. Who..."
"I broke up with him."
"Oh." Do I hear happiness in his voice? "I'm sorry about that." You should be, I think. But I just shrug.
"Yeah, me too."
"You don't sound sorry," he notes.
"But I am. I hurt him...again. I didn't want to do that." He takes my hand lightly and I stiffen.
"You are a good person, Hazel. You did what you thought was right." I shrug again, looking away from our joined hands. I sigh and then look up at him.
"I should get back inside," I whisper to him. He smiles.
"No one will notice you're gone. I come out here all the time when my parents do stuff like this. As long as you're there for dinner, they won't make a big deal." I bite my lip, not sure what to say.
"Come on," he says, standing, pulling me up with him. "Let's go for a walk." I twist my lips and narrow my eyes.
"Do you do this often?" He laughs and I can't help but join in with him.
"Not at all." He smiles at me and I smile back. I nod.
"I would love to go on a walk with you." Such a smart girl.
I walk next to him, my hands behind my back, still holding the rose. I glance up at him from the corner of my eyes and smile gingerly. He looks down at me and I look away quickly. This was a bad idea. I should have stayed inside or said no. But I'm here now and I have to finish what I've started.
"So," he says, "How is everything?" I press my lips, Lying is key, Hazel. It's like Death is talking to me all the time, Keith, telling me what to do and say. But I listen to Death and lie.
"Fine, I guess. I mean, I convinced my parents not to make us move to New York, so things are good. How about you?"
"Better now." He smiles down at me and I blush tenderly. We keep walking and I look up at the sky. Stars are scattered about and the moon looks like a balloon. Make the wish that you should make, Hazel, Death hisses in my ear. So I do. I wish that he would ask me out. I close my eyes and will it to come true. Keith stops and I turn to look at him, my eyes wide.
"Look, I've been thinking......" He trails off, leaving me hanging.
"You've been thinking.......what?" I ask him, a quiet smile playing on my lips.
"Well I was wondering if you'd like to, ya know, go out sometime." I bite my lip and turn away, not knowing what to say. Sure, I wished for it but it was just a wish. I didn't think it was going to come true. I start to walk and he walks up behind me. He grabs my waist and turns me to face him.
"Look, I know what you're thinking. That it's too soon, you just broke up with him. But I've been waiting for something like this to happen for a long time, Hazel. I thought you were going to stay with him. This is my shot. We had something. Don't you remember it?"
"And then it changed," I protest.
"People change, situations change. But what hasn't changed, Hazel, is what I've always felt for you. From the first time I saw you I knew that I was going to care for you forever. And that I wanted you forever." I look away from him, fighting back tears that are trying to escape the prison they are held in.
"Look, you don't have to say yes, but you don't have to say no. Let me take you on one date and we'll see where it goes from there." I look back up at him.
"And if it doesn't work?"
"Then it doesn't." He makes it sound so easy. So…simple. Say yes, my dear. It's what you wished for.
"Okay, one date. And then, we'll see."
"Good." He smiles at me and then presses his lips to my cheek......
I take a deep breath and spit up water. Islipped into the water. I was drowning. I continue to cough and then glare at her.
"I knew you'd come up sooner or later. Gosh, chill out." I roll my eyes and lay in the water. How did I not know that I was drowning? Was I so consumed with the past that I forgot that you aren't supposed to fall into the water and then not breathe? I glance at Death again and then wonder. Could she be the reason I went under and almost didn't come back up? After all, she is Death. She starts humming and my gaze turns back into a glare.
"Shut up," I say to her but she just keeps humming that same stupid tune.
"You were somewhat happy with that night, honey. Don't you remember?"
"I'm not going to remember that night so you can forget about it."
"Would you calm down?" she snaps at me. "I'm just saying is all." I roll my eyes and then shut up. I'm fighting with a figment of my imagination. Great. Now I really am crazy. I usually don't talk to her. To be honest, I usually don't talk period. Not since....well I can’t' even think it without falling over myself bawling. But I don't cry about it all that often anymore. Sometimes I go a whole day without remembering what happened. That's rare though, like finding a flamingo in Arizona. Not going to happen in any life time.
I grab the side of the tub and then close my eyes. She's still humming that stupid tune. It's crawling under my skin. It's consuming my very being. I want her to stop, I want her to shut up. She won't. The words slowly drift into my head. I wanted you to know that I love the way you laugh I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well......The worst is over know and we can breathe again I wanna hold you high you steal my pain away....Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome and I don't feel right when you're gone away....
"Shut up," I tell her breathlessly. She shakes her head slowly.
"Do you think that Jordan," she slowly says his name, "would be upset that you didn't tell anyone?" That is a punch to my gut.
"Jordan doesn't have anything to do with this. He never did. We broke up and then I got with....and that is that."
"I think that Jordan would be disappointed with you." That was it. I let go of the side of the tub and slowly went back into the water.....
* * * * * *
There is a noise next to me. I don't know what it is from. Someone is running their fingers through my knotted hair. It hurts. Death's distant voice fills my head. I'm so proud of you, sweetie. You can do it. Just a little longer...Her voice fades. I hear a small slamming and then someone calls for me. I want to say I'm here, in the tub, about to die. But the words won't come out of my mouth. I fell asleep in the tub and now I'm going to die. It's hard to want to stay alive. I hear someone on the steps. Maybe they will find me. You don't want them to find you, Hazel...Her voice fades once again. She could be right. Someone opens a door. It's too loud to be anyone's door but my bedroom door. A faint knock proves that they found me.
"Hazel, honey. Are you okay?" She pauses for a moment. I can't answer her.
"Hazel, open the door. Now, sweetie." I can't, I want to cry out to her. I can't. Someone tries to turn the knob. I locked the door before I got in.
"Hazel, open this door now!" I can't…I can't…You don't want to stay around for them to find you, sweetie. Let go…Is Death right?
"Now, Hazel. Open this God damned door!" I can't! Why doesn't she get that? I hear my mom call for my dad. Oh great. Just what I need on this already perfect day. I hear more stomping and then someone pounds on the bathroom door.
"Hazel, open the door now!" For the last time, I can't. They can't hear me. They don't know what I'm trying to say. I hear faint whispers coming from outside the door.
"If you don't open this door, Hazel, I'll break it down. I swear I will." Well then it looks like you are going to break it down. My dad can break it down. I know he can. He's a big guy. I hear the door start to splinter. They rush in the bathroom and I hear my mom.
"Oh my God! Call nine one one. Now! Hazel, honey. Wake up." That's the last thing that I heard.
* * * * * *
Beep...beep…beep…beep...beep…beep...beep...beep
That beeping is annoying the shit out of me. The sheets are rough and the pillow is stiff. I don't know where I am. I'm cold. Can someone put more blankets on me? It hurts when I breath. Can someone help me?
"I don't know when she will wake up, Mrs. Culp. We'll just have to wait and see." Wake up? I am awake.....aren't I? I can't see anything. Eye lids, move. Come on, brain, and let me open my eyes. No luck. I'm stuck inside my own head. Look what you did, Death hisses in my ear, if you would have listened to me, you wouldn't be in a hospital. Yeah, I would be in a morgue. I'd be a dead, stiff, rotting corpse. Why wouldn't anyone want that? Oh, yeah, because no one wants to die. You do. No I don't. Ugh, look at me. I'm fighting with myself again. I stop thinking and slowly fall asleep.
Beep…beep…beep…beep...
No more beeping. The monitor stopped. I watch as people work over my body. Trying to put life back into it. Do they know that I'm watching them? No, probably not. Do they know that they can stop, that it might be best that I do die? No, probably not. I look down at my hands and see that they are see through. I sigh and then feel something pull on my leg. It, whatever it is, grabs my other leg and then my waist. It shoves me into my body again and I feel my heart start to work again. I take my first breath and then slip back into my coma.
Beep…beep…beep…beep…beep…beep…beep…beep
I think it's time to wake up. I think I can face the world again. Even if only for a while. I mean, I can't just drown myself to keep me from thinking about him. He did what he did and now I have to deal with it. Not him, me. I have to face the world and try to live a normal life. Normal....I don't know if I can do normal anymore. I'll try though. Okay, brain, it's just you and me. Open my eyes. Let me see the nasty bright white color of my hospital room. No light. Come on, this is all me. Just open your eyes and see. It would help if I knew where they were. I can't really feel my body. I'm more weightless than anything. Someone checks my pulse so I must still be alive. The annoying beep is still going strong.
"Is she awake?" I hear a small woman's voice ask. My mom. Oh mom.
"No, ma'am. She's not. Just give her some time." I hear a sigh. Come on, brain! I want to wake up. I do. I really do this time. Please........There they are. I find my eyes and now I get to see again.
My lids flicker and then I squeeze them shut. The light is so bright. I open them again. Little by little, I slowly wake out of my coma like slumber.
"Hello. Welcome back." I look up and see a small woman. She's wearing light salmon colored scrubs. It makes me want to throw up.
"Oh honey," my mom cries and throws her body over mine. I'm awake. I should be thrilled. Maybe a few more days of sleep would have been good.
What do you think?
~[C]o[u]r[t]n[e]y
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